Friday, February 11, 2011

Should I be Shame?

Today, feeling too vulnerable, too exposed and too unsophisticated, I took all of my offensive, ridiculous, shameful postings off this blog and saved them in a word document. I'm starting a new project in my career and I don't want my colleagues to see the deep recesses of my psyche. So, I deleted any evidence of that, represented in my rantings. Funny, right? I don't give two shits about the rest of the world exposed to my psychosis, however, I'm more concerned with potential colleagues. How does that work? It's easier to expose oneself to the world of people whose faces one could not remember than be shamed, however temporarily, by an acquaintance. Well, I digress. I didn't want my rants to be judged by my coworkers and prevent me from accomplishing a great step in my career. I never gave a shit about a career before...
In the process of taking down my posts, I began to read and couldn't stop. I had recorded instances in my life about which I had completely forgotten until I began to read. I read my post, "A Date; An Evaluation" and had not even recalled that guy until now. It's almost two years later. At the time I wrote that post, my feelings were hurt and my ego was bruised. It was my first real rejection. When I thought about it after I read it, I understood that that flighty relationship wasn't meant to last anyway. My experiences in dating, to this point, have brought me to that realization. In two years, I evolved in so many ways with regards to dating, but reading that post brought up feelings for me that I felt at the time. WOW. And when I read "My Nephew Thinks He's Michael Jackson" and I think about how my family is just getting him on the right track, now. Not to mention that Michael Jackson is dead. I thought to myself, "how could I delete this stuff?" I can't. It's like I was reading my past, written at the very moments my past was formed and how lucky I am to have felt passionately enough about it to record it, right then. To me, these posts, this blog, is better than a diary. Banality is absent (at least to me, call me a narcissist). It's better than telling or relating a story because the facts don't become lies and there's no hiding my reality, not even when it was negative. Everything on this blog, is how I felt at the time I wrote it and the feeling, the energy that comes across through my words and your reading it, while they might not be the same, will affect you as it has me already.
So yeah, I took everything offensive down and put it back up again. I did change a few "abrasive" terms to be PC, but the content remains and so shall the story. Even if I'm the only one reading it.

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