On Tha Edge

So, yeah. I love my sister's building. Last night I came up on the M100 bus. I was headed toward the subway when the rum I had been drinking smacked my face and pulled my feet toward Smiley's, the corner store that sells loosies (single cigarettes). Of course, since I was well on my way to being tipsy, I grabbed a smoke for 75 cents, bumping into a fine tendah who was doing the same; smoking the poison! Anyway, I light my cigarette, still in the bodega (I think smiley prefers that so people don't walk out with single cigarettes thus alerting the ever-present police of of his illegal tenders.) Smoking, within 5 seconds, intensified my tipsiness to drunkardness and I stagger out of the bodega. Geez, I thought, I'm fucked up! I decide then and there that I will NOT take the C train or the A for that matter. Fuck the train; it was so sunny and warm and I had flip flops on for the first time since last summer. I definitely did not want to go underground in a crowded, dirty, dank, dark ass subway station and squeeze onto the A train. So I waited at the bus stop but I forgot how EFFING long the buses take and I ended up waiting 20 minutes for one bus. There were hella buses that passed and read NEXT BUS PLEASE which just got me in a rum rage. There was a Mexican dude waitin with me, but I turn around and see him 3 blocks up the street, preferring pounding the pavement than being disgraced by public transit in the hot afternoon. He rather WALK, then wait. I follow suit and take off toward the train station but, lo and behold, I see a M100 bus on the corner. I run towards it only to be rejected by the bus driver; it was too full...but I was gonna ram someone to squeeze my ass on there but homeboy wasn't having it. "Next bus ma'am, we're full!" First reaction; DO I LOOK LIKE A MA'AM JACKASS? Second: Fuck this stupid, fucking bus I've been waiting over 20 minutes for you to tell me NEXT FUCKING BUS! Luckily, there was a bus behind the full one that was full too but I'd be daaaaamned if they rejected me from this one. I didn't even wait for the bus driver to say anything, I swiped my card and sidestepped an old lady, sucking on a hard candy producing a mess of saliva down her chin...GROSS!
I made it to 155th and to the EDGE! I was excited that my sister's neighbors were having a potlock. THere is always something jumping off in her bldg. There's a wonderful Ethiopian community of sisters, husbands, cousins and brothers. They're always acting uber-Ethiopian but most of those guys grew up right here in the U.S. of A. I love them anyway. Nicole was there, hookah hogging and tellin me to "fall back lil' homie!" I was the youngest one there but shit I'm grown. Big Time! JB was up in there (my special partner in crime) and I had him rollin in the kitchen. There was this guy (whom, turns out, my sister fooled with much to her dismay) who was dancing in the living room to some song...I will say it was "Gimme" by Abba just to relate the ridiculousness of the man's proposition. So, JB and I were sitting in the kitchen, bullshittin and chillin when LAME-O guy yells from the "dance floor", "Come on JB, show me your MOVES!" while he steadily pop and locks his way around the lonely dance floor. I think JB might've turned his head 2 degrees in homie's direction, then I said "Who the fuck is the corn ball?" and we fall the fuck out. We continue to clown until he locks his ass OFF the dancefloor. We continue to laugh in his face. It was the best! I hope he wasn't offended, but I didn't (and still don't) really care. My sister was running around, watching sports with the fellas. Salaam, her gym buddy, danced in the kitchen the whole night, free and light! There was even Richmond there, a chick who was visiting, not part of the Edgecombe community, but still there to kickit...it was a great time!
Well, I love the Edge. Last night was a partyin potluck. I was in bed by 2, up by 7 and writing by 8, to share this excitement with you.

A Date; An Evaluation

So what's going on? Why is dating such a difficult thing for a black female. And I'm not even THAT picky. I met this guy a few weeks ago walking to the A train from my sister's house. He was very nice looking, cocoa brown, straight teeth, argyle sweater. I was like "Whoa, uptown!" I know what you're thinking. Why should this excite me the way it did; let me elaborate, a little, on my community. I live in Harlem. There are plenty of good looking brothas around my neighborhood. Plenty! They might even have good conversation, nice cologne and pressed clothes, but ask them about an email account and it's all shits and giggles from their end. So when I see homeboy, I'm like wow, he looks like he has email. He reaches out to me by commenting on the cigarette in my hand. "You really shouldn't smoke", he says. "I know, I'm quitting." I respond. It was my first smoke in 3 days AND I was tipsy, but no excuse! Anyway, we get the chattin and he has great convo so we exchange numbers. Of course we hang out for a few weeks and everything is gravy. He meets me after work, I help him with his job hunt, we watch Zodiac like 80 times. Let's just say the last few weeks were chill. No funk. Now, it gets tricky. I know he's been recently frustrated with his job hunt. He commented to me several times how he "hates having no money." I know how he feels; it took me seven months to find a 9 to 5. And I ain't the type of chick to berate brothas for being trifling and all that hooplah because that's some entitlement, resentful shit that I can't get down with. I'm humble and I share. So, the last few weeks I've tried to be as encouraging as I could. I know people are broke. Shit I'm BROKE and I HAVE A JOB. So I digg his situation, ya digg? Anyway, out of the blue, homeboy starts fakin on dates. He says he'll meet me after work like he's done numerous times but around the time I get off, he cancels. Now I know we've been kickin it for a little less than a month but it's been like everyday so it was a little intense...so anyway, the dude starts canceling and I can't figure it out. Eventually I stop calling and he doesn't call either. So that's where it left off...weird, I thought. I can't seem to figure it out. I'm not the one to stress over dudes or even give it that much thought, but I can't help to wonder...hmmm, what's up with homeboy?
My friend just started a blog and she had a posting on there that relates her experience with one dude at a club one night. Long and short of it, he calls her and her "kind of black women" stuck up because they expect too much from a man. I know we're all familiar with the Angry black woman bullshit that manifests from a period of time where black women were, in fact, angry with black males. I know we used to be resentful of interacial dating and the negligence on behalf of black men and rightfully so. But I just don't be trippin like that because I ain't stuntin what everyone thinks, I occupy myself with what that one black male thinks...but I remember. I'm 24; I recall Queen Latifah being like "who you callin a bitch? U.N.I.T.Y. That's a UNITY!" but I can't really say I feel angry with brothas. I don't feel anything of the sort actually. I ain't trippin off your financial status or your educational history. You got good convo? Good. You read? Excellent. You like to have money in your pocket? Even Better. Love ya momma? I thought so. Me? Well, I did go to a great school and I've lived overseas and I can say I look pretty damn good, but I ain't goin shun a nig for not going to school or not having a job or having crooked teeth. Seriously, it sounds shallow but so many sistahs do it. So, back to the point at hand, I wonder what happened with homeboy?
Some chicks can't figure out why the ugliest bitch in the room got dudes flockin to her. It's because of the confidence that she exudes and the non-judgment that she represents. No one wants to be judged and berated, especially by their mate, so I can understand where woman get verbally mushed because of these "standards" of a black man needing to have a job, straight teeth, nice clothes, great convo, no criminal record etc. They say they're not asking a lot but relative to the plight of black dudes (1 in 3 having a criminal history), it's not likely they'll find this guy and if they do, he's probably married...sorry.
So I'm just saying, I'm not a stickler, but I still seem to have dating issues. Don't get me wrong, finding a man isn't the problem; finding one ready to deal with me is. My guy friends complain all the time that if they could just find a chill chick, they'd be good. Either they're full of shit or deluded...or maybe I'm the crazy bitch...

Vapid Expanse

Okay, for real ya'll. I'm not tryna joke on people or nothing but, seriously, BLACK PEOPLE, WE NEED TO START READING MORE. Now, I don't have many friends or enemies for that matter. I keep to myself, show peace and love to most, and do me. I enjoy working out in the mornings, chanting by morningside park, listening to the rustle of the tress on quiet NYC mornings...Yeah, I be doing some hippy shit. Maybe that's why I read so much. It started long ago, I think. When I was 10, my family took Amtrak across country and I began reading seriously then. I read Goethe at 13...not to toot my own horn, but damn, that's pretty fucking good. So anyway, I'm getting off point. I get tired of talking to the few friends I have and discovering that an overwhelming majority of them don't read. AT ALL. The news reel on news channels? Nope. Online newspapers or journals? Nope. Books, novels, shorts, newletters? Hell naw. I mean, they don't even read the fucking free papers. But let me mention BOSSIP or some other ignant ass shit, and omg, their eyes alight and they start spewing "facts" on celebs like they live next door and shit. Sometimes I stare and think, don't you ever want to REALLY know what's going on in the world? Where do you get your information if you don't read? Their sources thus comes from the most unreliable source. Television. They can spit off Drake lyrics quicker than they can name the Speaker of the House. Eruditeness at best for them is citing Newt Gingrich. No I shouldn't say at best but that's like a step up...FUCK, sad state of affairs.
I can't speak for other people except the ones in my sphere. I don't mean to target black people particularly, but my interactions with my black friends and their lackluster depth is quite disturbing. Not to mention that most of these niggas went to college so I find that kind of abstruse (some may also argue, validly, that my use of Nigga is regressing our advancements but I feel like I don't care what those people think because that is a trivial argument that spuriously draws attention to an issue that has a feeble impact on progression.)
But, seriously, I would like to see some more young black people reading. Read anything. You can start off slow...Eric Jerome Dickey maybe. He writes like most dudes rap--plastic baggies & drugs, killin haters, knockin off hoes et cetera. Or maybe you'd like one of those Midnight Love books...whatever your preference, I just encourage you to read. Open your mind, expand your boundaries. You'll be a better person because of it.

Oh Bama, You're Just Too Much...

Yes, I'm still mad giddy over him. I love this man! Obama, of course, is the shit. I was sort of surprised at myself when I went to upload another post and discovered no info on my man. Now, I'm not one to get overwhelmingly involved in politics, but homeboy has made me get up and pay attention. Recently, he's overturned so much bullshit that Bush enacted, including enviromental legislation (firing CEOs, pushing the GM merger with Fiat for the production of enviro friendly cars, firing old EPA directors etc.), healthcare reform (I'm still getting emails from tha boy Mitch Stewart and his ceaseless campaigning to call legislators and push for healthcare stimulus package), and finally, shutting down this fear tactic, Guantanamo Bay, media jargon that began in a fearful, early 19th c. America in order to generate profits and spending on behalf of Central Banks and coorporations. Needless to say, Obama's had a lot to deal with. A shit ton of bricks is what he inherited, not to mention, the ever-crumbling economy. I can't help to think that maybe he won't be able to fix all this. What if he fails? But after so many questions, and so much MSNBC and CNN watching, I resolve myself and relax. The fact is, I don't want him to fail for numerous reasons (chiefly, because I want another minority president and I don't want white folks using the excuse that Obama didn't fix shit although shit was already suprememly fucked up when he got the job). But the reality remains that he has so much to do in so little time that even if he continues on the overturning path he's on now, the results of his tutelage might not be recognized in many years, and, I think people (conservative media) will say, that my main man FAILED! I just don't think that's right. I mean, of course it ain't right. I'm gonna continue to stick by him, however, regardless of the haters out there. I say to them, you just mad cuz a black man's the ruler of the world. It's about fucking time.

My Nephew Thinks He's Michael Jackson

Okay, my newphew doesn't really think he's Michael Jackson but he's damn close to thinking/believeing that he is supposed to be caucasian, God made a mistake, and, by any means necessary, he's going to hold onto this truth, his truth. I must say, when he was 3, we thought it was hilarious. He would go around saying that he's not black (he is light-skin and his school is 95% Dominican and Catholic so I can see where the confusion comes in.)He lives in Harlem, a predominately Black and Latino quartier so his exposure to white people is very limited. He is obviously victim to the vicious color complex that assaults the minority communities, carried over from Willie Lynchism of slavery times. In his class photo, all the kids are light (including my nephew who looks more Dominican than black) and, when I asked him what the only little dark skinned girl in his class name was, he shrugged, made a disapproving scowl and said, “she’s black,” to which I responded, “What the hell you think you are?” He shook his head no.
I was confused as to where he was developing this kind of mentality. I know kids are cruel and say racist things derivative of their parents’ conditioning (I was called a “nigger-bitch” in first grade by a classmate who was probably repeating what his parents had said many times). But where is my nephew learning to be so ashamed of his skin color. At school, of course. I’m pretty sure he knows he’s black. His dad and grandmother are light (he says his grandmother is white) but his grandfather, aunts and mother are brown-skinned women. We are very much apart of his life interacting with him positively on every level possible. How could he develop racist tendencies usually associated with black kids who go to all white schools who are confused and disillusioned? My nephew has had the “best” of the blackest experience; a Harlem baby, a black nuclear family, a militant grandfather, and college educated parents, aunts and grandparents. He’s already been to Mexico several times on our family vacation and goes to Cali twice a year (where we’re all from). The only white person he knows and realizes is truly white is my dad’s girlfriend (how appropriate) who is 30 years younger, an aerobics instructor and has no problem walking around uptown singing the Jonas Brothers. Anyway, so my nephew, every time he sees my dad’s girlfriend, flips the script. He bats his eyes at her, he rubs her legs, he cries and pleads to sit on her lap and he follows her like an orphan would a prospective mom. Let me reiterate, we all thought it was hilarious that he wanted, so deeply, to be white…when he was 3. He’s now going on five, with a new little brown-skinned sister, and he is still fighting the forces of nature and assuming to be Caucasian.
So, of course, the next question is what should we do? I know his mother, aloof as can be, is not going to want to restrict his “creative outlets”. Whatever the fuck that means. I guess she wants him to be holistic and accepting of all creatures on God’s Earth. Which is great but she IS Buddhist and they want good to come to all, all the time, for eternity…His father is Buddhist, too, but a little more practical. He just thinks his son’s confused but something he’ll eventually grow out of. Of course, all the extended family thinks that this is a serious issue that must be dealt with soon.
I think we (meaning non-white people) have all experienced a pang of pain by not being accepted in a world where white trumps all. We’re continuously conditioned on white culture and success while subconsciously rejecting aspects of our culture that are delightful, unique and worthy of adulation. I believe my nephew is simply fascinated by white privilege, not knowing to the full extent how painful a black man’s experience in a white world can be. His father, also from Harlem, suffered greatly at an all white boarding school in Connecticut. He was also disillusioned by white culture at a very young age. After boarding school, however, he was awakened to real experience of racism. I know times have changed, especially for my nephew’s generation, but I wonder what it will take for him to accept people for who they are and overcome racism and white privilege. I want him to be proud of being black while his Puerto Rican best friend introduces him to his proud parade every summer. I want my nephew to not disgrace his grandfather because he is dark or disgrace his aunt because of my locks. Most of all, I don’t want him to disgrace himself, because he really can stretch himself as much as he’d like. He is growing up in an America where, by the time he’s 10, he would have never remembered a time without Obama’s influence. But, although the weather of America has become sunnier, the climate has shifted minimally and the old sentiments of Willie Lynch still apply. I just hope my little man will discover how to break out of his own chains that bind him.
Photo is of my Moonwalkin' nephew...

The Roommate Woes

This photo represents how I feel today: SIDEWAYZ. I took this about a month ago outside my building facing the ever-looming projects to the north and east of me. This is the project building to the east. But anywho, speaking of apartments and feeling sideways, let me update you on my circumstance of late. Currently, I’m not looking for a new apartment but I do need a roommate for my roommate’s room (if this makes any sense). If it doesn’t, well, lemme break it down to you. My roommate is leaving this summer to live at home. She is in Seminary school here in NYC and, upon learning that her loans would NOT cover her living in the apt during the summer, she decided to move into her parent’s house back in Orlando. I had a problem with this for several reasons…1) we all know those people who avoid confrontation like the plague. I think of them as avoiding challenge. I’m talking about the kind of person who shies from verbal and physical attacks, who does not stand up for oneself, who always prefers someone fight for him or her. If someone insults them to a deathly degree, they'll complain to you and cry instead of telling the insulter to "Eat my shit". They're the type of person to always say "yes" when they want to say "no" and be upset about it later, asking the question, "why do they want to take advantage of me?" They are also heavy users of the passive agressive tactics, e.g. slamming doors or playing their music really loud to make you wonder. They are those kind of people who are not necessarily fake, but you'll never know what they're really thinking. If you have read any of my previous blog entries, you will know that I’m NOT that kind of person. Not the total opposite; I don’t go looking for fights but I’m not running either. I stand up for myself. I'm not saying my roommate is all of these things either. She is a wonderful person with a wonderful heart (or else she wouldn't be my roommate). I mean, I got plenty of shit with me and most people can't put up with me, but she does, so THAT is to be lauded. Seriously.
Anyway, back to the subject. I wouldn’t call these kinds of people weak; on the contrary, I think it takes a lot of courage to be a punan (a pussy.) BUT, these kinds of people irritate me because they’re submissive. That’s kind of my roommate in a nutshell. So, when she was confronted with the prospect of having to work to pay rent this summer, she decides to bolt. No problem, I understand. Times are hard and $900 is a lot of money for one month. I could understand if she was unqualified to find a job, had already been struggling, or just loves to live with her parents. But she DOESN'T like living with her parents (she’s gay and cannot have women over and she’s 28 yrs old) and she’ll be away from her girlfriend the whole summer. I know she desperately wanted to live in the city but, instead of hustling to find a job, she took the easy way out (in my opinion). 2) Now, I must muster up some energy in finding a sub letter. My roommate has been extremely patient with me about our rent arrangements. I couldn’t find a job for a while so she sucked it up and let me pay her what I haven’t paid later. I am presently doing that and it’s working out fine. After all, I’m a hustler and hate owing people money. But, I do find this (me having to find a sub letter) somewhat problematic. My senior year in college, I decided to get away from my roommate and move into my own place. Because I knew I was moving before our lease expired, I hustled to find someone in a short time and, I did. I found a sub letter for my room until the lease was to be renewed. My ex-roommate was pissed that I had not included her in the process but I felt that it was my responsibility because I was moving before our lease was up. I’ve heard different opinions about this but I feel like I did the right thing. I know Karma’s a bitch so I’m not in the business of fucking people over. With that being said, my current roommate, I feel, has the responsibility of finding a new sub letter for her room because she is moving before the lease is up. But I know, for a fact, that her meekness is preventing her from being tenacious in a city (we live in NYC) that demands it. It will be a lot of work and a little heartache but not impossible. I think she’s just taking the easy road, once again, and running from confrontation. Maybe I’m just tripping but I don’t think so. I hope not anyway…I just needed to vent my good friend.

In This World, We Need To Wake Up

Will the times ever get any better in this world? I hate to sound Bono-ish, but seriously, will the times ever get any better? Financially, we are broken down and riddled with crises that our government, working on behalf of corporations, have created. I watch documentaries like "Zeitgeist", where a very apt filmmaker elaborates on the links between Hitler and the Bush Family (Hitler and Prescott Bush, W.'s grandfather, shared some company ties). I am saddened by the monopolization of media outlets (Rupert Murdoch, William Buffets and Time Warner's). The same corporation who owns Fox News owns The New York Post. I am flabbergasted by the number of people to lose their jobs and by the rate at which food pantries in suburban neighborhoods cannot support all the people in need. The foreclosed homes that have turned places like Flint, Michigan and parts of Detroit into ghost towns. In Nevada, there are so many foreclosed homes that mountain lions have taken whole neighborhoods, living in once plush, gated communities overrun now with weeds and vines. And health care, our poor, sick people suffering either overcome with medical bills or slowly decaying out of fear of the mountain of medical bills they'll acquire once they visit the emergency room.
I am disgusted at length with the despicable avarice of the Bush administration and those previous administrations that have sucked the resources out of taxpayers and the natural resources of the world. Of course, there are a multitude of factors that led to our present situation but, personally, I believe that corporations are the sole reason for our suffering. In 1954, Eisenhower warned of the danger of corporations being treated as people. He warned of the greed that grasps individuals in power, especially as their power pertains to the government. Andrew Jackson warned of the central bank, or Federal Reserve, that creates money literally out of nowhere and who, by creating this money as debt, increase incrementally the debt of the average American. How can this be? How have we been so bamboozled into thinking that charming, gun-slinging presidents cannot possibly lead their country into an abyss of suffocating "I owe yous". I'm pissed off, I'll tell you that much. I'm pissed at the people who blindly voted for incompetent assholes in office whose sole focus is material gain through embezzlement la bled bonuses. I'm pissed off at our media who refuses to highlight the dangers of corporations because they, themselves, are part of the very framework responsible for the crisis. Finally, I'm pissed myself and others for failing to get pissed the fuck off sooner, and take to the streets in protest. What did our parents fight for? And I'm speaking to everyone when I say that. My parents witnessed/participated in those revolutionary events of the 50s, 60s, and 70s. I don't care if you're not black, your parents were subjected/witnessed to some form of revolution. The Sandinista guerrillas in Nicaragua, the revolution in Panama over the criminal construction of the canal, Che Guevara and nationalism. In West Africa, there was revolution and fights for independence in almost every country. Even in Asia there were Chinese demanding freedom of speech in Tienanmen Square. Sri Lankans, Bangladeshis, Siberians, Mongolians even the aboriginal tribes in New Zealand had their revolutions. So what did our parents NOT relay to our generation with respect to individual rights and the government across the world? When did we lose our zeal? When did we cease to be angry and agree to be complacent? Like a bobble head on a dashboard? You know it's bad when even the Frenchies become super-conservative (remember the xenophobic tactics of Sarkozy?)
I want people to get mad. Get angry and then get involved. Write your legislatures, put pressure on lobby groups. Attain some power by hosting fundraisers to support your local food bank. Then write your mayor explaining your disappointment with his dealing with the homeless population. Just do something. It's the only way we can ensure that our government works for us and not the other way around. And, in case you were wondering, I have done most of the above to make people aware of their condition and what they can do about it. I try to practice what I preach (sometimes).